EOLPodcast

Ep. 483 ENCORE: The Evolution of Hospice Care – Our First Interview with Barbara Karnes RN

Enjoy this very first conversation with my friend Barbara Karnes as we get to know one another and discuss our hopes for the future of hospice care.

This episode is a replay of my very first interview with Barbara Karnes RN that appeared on the EOLU speaker series but not on the podcast. Barbara is a pioneer in the hospice movement and a world-renowned speaker, author and educator. You’ll hear us getting to know one another and talking about her work at that time, which has expanded and grown over the years. Enjoy our conversation and remember that some links and programs mentioned back then may have changed. For up-to-date resources go to Barbara’s website:

bkbooks.com

YouTube Channel

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • How Barbara first came to work in hospice
  • The inspiration behind Barbara’s very helpful hospice guideline series
  • Barbara’s video: New Rules for End-of-Life Care
  • The difference between home health care and hospice care
  • What Barbara finds discouraging about hospice care now
  • Why she finds hope in the end-of-life doula movement
  • How we care for the dying continues to evolve though the dying process remains the same
  • Advice for new nurses in hospice care
  • Why community education about death and dying is essential

Links:

EOLU Blog

How Family Movie Night Can Lead to a Conversation About Death and Grief

by Karen Wyatt MD

Recently there has been a growing focus for individuals in our society to look at their hopes and desires for the end-of-life and put those wishes into writing. The Five Wishes document and The Conversation Project Starter Kit, along with many online options, have helped people think about that day when life will come to an end and put those thoughts and feelings into writing.

But the most important step in the end-of-life planning process is to talk about those wishes with loved ones and that conversation is often difficult to initiate. How do we start talking about death with people who aren’t sure they want to discuss it? How do we address the experience of loss and grief, which is also often avoided in our society?

One idea is to use a film, perhaps during a family “movie night,” to help introduce the topic and get the discussion started. Films project the stories of characters onto the screen and allow us to look at difficult subjects from a distance without feeling personally involved. The stories portrayed in movies can also inspire the imagination, stir up emotions and provoke deep thoughts—all of which can be helpful during a conversation about death and grief.

Here are some suggestions for creating a special “movie night” exploration of death and grief: 

  • Allow ample time 

    Choose a night when nothing else has been planned so there will be time and space for the conversation to unfold naturally after the film.

    • Keep it cozy

    Make sure the seating arrangements are comfortable for everyone, provide snacks and beverages, and minimize outside distractions that might take attention away from the film and the conversation.

    • Select the film carefully

    Consider the age and comfort level of the people you want to engage in conversation as you make your choice. Also be clear about your objective: do you want to inspire a discussion about death in general or do you have specific topics to bring up such as hospice care or living fully at the end of life or facing grief after the death of a loved one?

    For example, The Bucket List is a great film to kick off a conversation about how to live life fully when you know you are going to die. His Three Daughters shows the difficulties of family dynamics when one member is dying. Terms of Endearment focuses on the mother-daughter relationship and portrays the dying process and the grief that follows. Many holiday movies like The Christmas Checklist focus on characters who are experiencing grief when others are celebrating. If children are part of the conversation, The Lion King, Coco or Up could help address issues of grief after loss and the fact that death is a normal part of life.

    • Have a few questions ready 

    Don’t force the conversation but be prepared to get it started with your own comments or questions. For example ask “What’s on your bucket list?” or “What would you give as a gift if you knew it was your last Christmas?” or “How do you think Mufasa’s death changed Simba?” or “How did the Christmas Checklist help Emily process her grief?”

    • Do it again

    In case your first movie night conversation doesn’t go as well as hoped, plan to try again with a different film and a different approach. These conversations are challenging but extremely important so don’t give up on the idea! 

    Since death is a natural and universal part of our human existence we really should be talking about it on a regular basis. Get creative and imagine how you might bring up the discussion after other films your family might watch together. Remember that families who have talked about death are more likely to have positive experiences when a loved one reaches the end of life. It’s definitely a conversation worth having!

    EOLU Blog

    What Forrest Gump Teaches Us About Death and Dying

    by Karen Wyatt MD

    The classic movie Forrest Gump (1994), directed by Robert Zemeckis, has been described by some as a profound social commentary and a historical depiction of southern culture, and by others as a model of man’s resiliency. But on closer look, Forrest Gump, the tale of a simple man negotiating a complex world, can actually be interpreted as a film about death and dying with some important lessons for us to learn on this subject.

    Throughout the film Forrest tells stories of historical events that involve the deaths of various iconic figures such as Elvis Presley, John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and John Lennon. He matter-of-factly talks about each man’s death and sums up his own lack of explanation for these tragedies with “for no particular reason” or “I don’t know why,” reminding us that death is a mystery that very often cannot be understood from a rational perspective.

    But Forrest also faces death on a personal level as he must endure the loss of three of the most important people in his life: his Momma, his “best good friend” Bubba, and his beloved Jenny, who won his heart the moment he first laid eyes on her. As we watch Forrest cope with death in his uncomplicated and imperturbable manner there are certain lessons that shine forth for each of us about death and dying:

    “You never know what you’re gonna get.”

      This is the corollary to Forrest’s most famous adage: “Life [and also Death] is like a box of chocolates.” One of our greatest struggles is the fact that life and death are uncertain. We have no way of knowing when or how we will die and must live with our questions and take our chances as we move through this world. 

      Even if we demand control over death by choosing to take it into our own hands, there are still no guarantees: the method we choose to hasten death might fail, we might change our minds at the last minute, or we might even die by some other cause before the date of our planned death.

      So we have to reach into the box of life, not knowing what we will get, and make the best of whatever we draw out. Forrest is okay with this reality of life and models for us, in his Zen-like fashion, that sometimes not-knowing and simply accepting things as they are can be the highest form of wisdom.

       “If I’d known this would be the last time we’d talk I’d have thought of something better to say.”

      These are Forrest’s words as he reflects on his last moments with his “best good friend” Bubba who dies during a firefight in Vietnam. Forrest reminds us that our words may be the last gift we will ever give to our loved ones and we should choose them carefully. Any moment with someone we care about could be our final opportunity to express our love and admiration, so let’s not waste a single one. The last words our loved ones hear us utter need not be profound or deeply wise, but wouldn’t it be sweet if those words spoke of love and compassion?

      “It’s my time—just my time.”

      With these few words, Momma explains to Forrest in simple terms that death has its own time frame, as the verse from Ecclesiastes 3:2 states, there is “a time to be born and a time to die.” Momma accepts her dying with calmness and fearlessness that reassure Forrest and help him see that even a painful loss can be perfect in a way. 

      Lieutenant Dan believed that “his time” was to die during the war as a hero, but when Forrest saved his life he had to recognize eventually that his path had something else in store for him. We really cannot say what the timing of death will be or should be—we can only observe it and marvel that death always arrives with its own sense of mystery. 

      “Death is just a part of life.”

      Forrest recalls these words from his Momma as he copes with losing his dear Jenny. At this point in the story it becomes clear that this simple truth has been an important message of the entire film: Death cannot be separated from life. 

      In fact, death is a necessary part of the cycle of life and should be accepted as a natural, though painful, process. Forrest is able to grasp this concept and use it as his lens for looking at all of the events of his own existence, which is evidence that life and death are not necessarily difficult to understand. But we tend to complicate them by overthinking and overreacting emotionally to the circumstances that occur. Forrest teaches us to take a step back and look at life and death without expectations or attachments.

      “I couldn’t tell where Heaven stopped and Earth began.”

      When Jenny asks Forrest if he was ever afraid in Vietnam, he ends up describing to her all of the beautiful moments he remembers from that experience and also from running back and forth across the country multiple times. 

      He recalls several times when nature’s beauty was especially astounding such as when the stars came out on a clear night, a gorgeous scene was reflected perfectly upon a still lake, and the sun rose and set with all its vivid colors.  These are the moments when we recognize that Heaven is not a place to transition to—Heaven is always right here, right now, within our own perception of life and death.

       “I don’t know if we each have a destiny or we’re all just floatin’ around accidental like on a breeze. Maybe both happening at the same time …”

      With this final musing, Forrest sums up the key message of this movie: life can be like a feather floating on a breeze, randomly swayed and directed by gusts of wind that shift direction without warning. But life also, like each feather, has a purpose and a reason to exist. And both are happening at the same time. 

      When we can grasp both of those concepts, as Forrest has, we will have mastered the key to enlightenment and also the answer to the fear of dying. We don’t have to worry about death—we will float there on a breeze, but in that process we will also fulfill our greatest purpose. 

      EOLPodcast

      Ep. 481 Help Texts: Text-Based Grief Support with Emma Payne

      Learn about effective, personalized grief support that arrives via text message and how this innovation is a game changer for caregivers, healthcare workers, and the bereaved.

      My guest Emma Payne is the founder and CEO of Help Texts, which provides private grief, caregiver, or mental health support via personalized text messages. On this episode, Emma’s second guest appearance, she will discuss what’s new on the Help Texts platform and the data they’ve been gathering about the efficacy of grief-informed texting. You need to know about this tool if you work anywhere in the end of life as a means of offering support to people who are grieving, caregivers and healthcare workers. This is a game-changer! Learn more at the website:

      YouTube Channel

      Listen here:

      This episode includes:

      • What inspired Emma to create Help Texts
      • Why text messaging is an ideal delivery method for grief support, as validated by neuroscience
      • How Help Texts messages are customized and personalized to each person who signs up by many different experts in this space
      • Why the cost of Help Texts is less than one hour of therapy
      • Research shows remarkable efficacy of these messages
      • Why people supporting grievers are also included in receiving helpful messages and reminders by text
      • The ripple effect of helping people become “grief literate” one text message at a time
      • How hospices and other organizations are signing up to gift Help Texts to the families they work with
      • Help Texts for healthcare workers and caregivers
      • Support is also now available for pregnancy loss, pet loss, and mental health issues

      Links mentioned in this episode:

      If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu,  and to Molly Byock for making a donation through Paypal! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

      EOLPodcast

      Ep. 479 A Teen’s Guide to Grief and Grieving with Korie Leigh PhD

      Learn about a helpful book for grieving teens by grief counselor and thanatologist Dr. Korie Leigh … and why you should have it on your bookshelf.

      My guest Dr. Korie Leigh is a grief counselor and an Associate Professor and Program Director of the Thanatology Program at Marian University. She has spent 20 years working with children and families experiencing grief and loss. She is the author of two books including What Does Grief Feel Like? and It Won’t Ever Be the Same: A Teen’s Guide to Grief and Grieving. Learn more about her work at the website:

      korieleighphd.com

      Listen here:

      This episode includes:

      • How children and teens are the forgotten grievers of our society
      • How childhood grief is most often expressed behaviorally and may be missed by adults
      • There is a gap in resources for children and teens as well as a gap in understanding their experience
      • About 1 out of every 10 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling before the age of 18
      • Why teachers need to be trained to recognize grief in their students
      • Resource for becoming a “grief informed” school
      • Tips for dealing with grief in the classroom, including the teacher’s own grief
      • Books are helpful for children to find the words to talk about their grief and its many emotions
      • How Dr. Leigh’s books help fill a gap in developmentally appropriate materials for children and teens
      • Thanatology courses and certificates offered through Marian University WI

      Links mentioned in this episode:

      If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my latest supporter Pam, and to everyone who has bought me a coffee or made a donation through Paypal! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

      EOLU Blog

      How Hospice Care Can Bring Families Together

      by Karen Wyatt MD

      When Gail and Gloria admitted their elderly mother to hospice as she neared the end of her life, they mentioned that they had a younger brother who had been estranged from the family for the past twenty years. The sisters agreed that they did not want him to be notified of their mother’s condition or to be part of the decision-making process. But then they learned from the hospice nurse that their mother had confided her deepest wish: to see her son again and to have her children reconcile their relationships. Finally Gail and Gloria agreed to reach out to their brother and ultimately the three of them were able to heal their differences and care for their mother as a united team. The sisters admitted that they were relieved to see their mother truly at peace at the end of life after they welcomed their brother back into the family.

      Stories like this are repeated on a daily basis within hospices around the country. In fact one of the most rewarding aspects of working in hospice is the opportunity to see how families come together and strengthen their bonds when they learn that a loved one is nearing the end of life. Even families that have experienced stress and tension for years have managed to heal their differences when they are called to be at the bedside of a terminally ill family member. Here are some of the ways in which hospice helps to foster this type of reconciliation:

      Teamwork is necessary to provide care.

      A patient who receives hospice care at home must have family or paid caregivers available around the clock, which takes cooperation to arrange. Family members have to create a schedule for care and decide how to meet the needs of their loved one. This allows an opportunity for negotiation, which can bring out the best (or sometimes, the worst) of each person in the family.

      Priorities shift at the end of life.

      As patients and their families face their own mortality they often come to see that what really matters at the end of life is different than what mattered before. In the case of Gail and Gloria, their determination to keep their brother away soon faded when they saw how much their mother wanted them to forgive one another. Suddenly their old anger and resentments were no longer the most important issue driving their decisions and they began to see their relationship in a new light. 

      Focus is on the needs of the patient.

      When families come together to help a loved one they tend to focus their efforts on what is best for the patient, and harmony between family members is always better for the wellbeing of the patient than conflict. Dying people often want to know that their children, parents or siblings love one another and will take care of each other after they are gone. These wishes at the end of life can be powerful motivators for family members to heal their relationships.

      Hospice staff helps with communication.

      The hospice team includes a social worker, chaplain and often a counselor who are trained to help families with communication. These staff members can facilitate family discussions and mediate when conflicts arise. In our hospice we frequently reached out to estranged family members on behalf of our patients to invite them to reconnect with their loved ones. With help, the majority of these families were able to find peace after many years of disruption.

      Caregiving can foster forgiveness.

      The act of caring for an ill loved one requires determination and sacrifice, but also leads to deeper connection and intimacy. As family members work together to provide care and meet the needs of the patient they may soften their hard edges and let go of their demands for perfection from one another. This is a scenario that then leads to forgiveness as each person recognizes their interdependence and finds value in being close rather than being at odds with one another.

      Hospice teams model compassion.

      One of the greatest benefits of working with hospice is the heart-centered focus of the people who make up the hospice team. The nurses, aides, chaplains, social workers, volunteers, and even the administrators of the hospice are all trained to be comfortable with death and have developed their capacity for compassion as well as their medical expertise. When hospice team members visit their patients, family members have the opportunity to observe how to be present with a dying person and how to bring love and calmness to any situation. This powerful learning experience is available to families who choose to admit their loved ones to hospice at the end of life.

      Of course, not every family will find a way to come together in peace and reconciliation when their loved one nears the end of life. In fact, some families are split even further apart over conflicts around how and where their loved one should receive care. But the likelihood of healing family disruption is increased when a decision to utilize hospice is made early on in the end of life process. It takes time to let go of past difficulties and find forgiveness so it’s never too soon to begin working toward that outcome. Patients and families both benefit from having more days together to focus on love, care and respect as life is nearing the end—and hospice team members are the perfect teachers and guides for that journey.

      EOLPodcast

      Ep. 478 Death & Grief in Pop Culture: Hamilton with Benjamin Kintisch

      Learn how grief is a major theme of Alexander Hamilton’s life as portrayed in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s hit musical Hamilton.

      Today I’m joined once again by my co-host Benjamin Kintisch for another episode of the Death & Grief in Pop Culture Series. Ben is a cantor, hospice and eldercare chaplain, music teacher, and the creator of Life Review: The Hospice Musical. Together we talk about all the interesting ways death shows up in culture, what we might learn about death and grief through the lens of pop culture, and how we can utilize popular references to death and grief to increase death literacy for ourselves and others. This week we are discussing the Broadway musical “Hamilton” Learn more about Ben’s work at his website:

      lifereviewmusical.com

      Listen here:

      This episode includes:

      • How we can talk about difficult subjects with a touch of lightness and humor
      • Some of the most memorable moments in theatre deal with uncomfortable topics
      • Grief is a powerful lens through which to view the mega-Broadway hit Hamilton
      • Alexander Hamilton experienced multiple types of grief including survivor’s grief and guilt as a war hero
      • The poignancy of the death of Hamilton’s son Phillip and subsequent grief as expressed in the song It’s Quiet Uptown
      • How setting apart this song in contrast to others in the musical made it even more emotionally evocative
      • We need to experience the full spectrum of emotions in our grief
      • How Eliza Hamilton utilized her grief to take action and make a difference in the world

      Links mentioned in this episode:

      If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my latest supporters Bonnie and CJ, and to everyone who has bought me a coffee or made a donation through Paypal! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

      EOLU Blog

      When You Can’t be Present for a Last Goodbye

      By Karen Wyatt MD

      When my niece died in hospice in another city a few years ago I was unable to travel there to say goodbye before her death. I was crushed that I didn’t have one last opportunity to hold her hand and tell her I loved her, but as it worked out that visit was just not possible.

      In an ideal world many of us would like to be with our dearest loved ones at the end of their lives, to say goodbye and “I love you” one last time. But in this day and age we live very busy lives that often take place many miles away from our families so there are times when we cannot travel to be present for those special and fleeting moments.

      Some of us may even go to great lengths to get to another city only to find that we missed the final breath by a few hours. This distressing reality can lead to unresolved guilt and grief as we blame ourselves for not being there. But here are some things I’d like you to know about the dying process based on my many years of hospice experience:

      • Dying has a unique time frame.

        Even with the best of medical knowledge we cannot accurately predict when a terminal patient will die. I have seen patients live far longer than seemed medically possible and also patients who died much sooner than expected for no obvious reason. Don’t blame yourself if you cannot be there at the “right” time since you have no way of knowing in advance when that time will be.

        • Dying is an internal process.

        In the last few days before death patients tend to turn inward and focus on the personal work they need to do in order to let go of life. They enter into a semi-comatose state where they seem to be having experiences that we cannot understand. They may express a desire to see a particular family member, but often they are preoccupied with their own process and don’t need much interaction with others. Most likely your loved one is not focusing on whether or not you are physically present in the room.

        • Each person’s preferences are different.

        Some people want to be surrounded by loved ones as they prepare to die, but others need to be left alone in order to complete the work they are doing. We usually cannot predict who will want to be alone in advance and even patients themselves, when asked about it ahead of time, don’t realize that they may need solitude during those last moments. Some people who have always been very social find that they no longer want to interact with others when they are ready to die. 

        While you may want to be there to say goodbye it’s possible that your loved one is content to have fewer visitors at that time. In fact one woman I know spent every moment at her mother’s side so that she would not die alone. But the mother took her last breath during a brief period when her daughter went outside for a few minutes. Apparently she needed to be alone to finally let go and her daughter simply had to accept her choice.

        • Sometimes dying patients seem to delay death

        Again without any medical explanation, some dying patients seem to be able to postpone the time of death in order to “wait” for a loved one who is expected to visit. I have seen many occasions when the patient had an intense need to see someone one last time and, against medical odds, survived an amazing number of extra days, until that person arrived. If your loved one did not wait for you to come please view it as a sign that there was no unfinished business between you and don’t blame yourself for not getting there on time.

        • The dying perceive things that we cannot explain.

        In my work with dying patients I have witnessed their ability to “see” and “feel” the love that others are sending to them, even from a far distance. Many of them have explained that they feel connected to distant family members and “know” that they are loved, even if those people cannot be physically present. Trust that all of your concern and loving thoughts have been received by your dear one and forgive yourself for not being able to be in the room at the time of death.

        If you know you cannot be there and you have a need to say goodbye try calling on the telephone to express your love. The day before my mother died she received phone calls from two dear friends who lived far away. Even though she was semi-comatose she listened as I held the receiver to her ear and smiled at the sound of their voices. She was unable to respond verbally but I could see that she heard the message so I reassured her friends that their farewells got through to her. 

        Remember that you have no control over the timing of your loved one’s death. Follow your heart and travel if you need to and you can but don’t stress if it doesn’t work out. Your effort and your loving intention will still be perceived by your loved one in some way or another.

        Trust that your loved one would not want you to carry a burden of guilt with you and create your own “goodbye” ritual if you cannot be there in person. On the day my niece died I gathered some wildflowers and dropped them into a flowing stream while I spoke all of the messages I would have shared with her at her bedside. My heart became much lighter as I imagined her standing next to me, watching the blossoms drift slowly downstream. 

        May you too find a way to be at peace with every farewell you must speak from a distance.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 477 Astrology as a Tool for Grief with Moon Zlotnik

        Learn how an astrologer uses death charts to provide insights and solace for people who are grieving.

        My guest Moon Zlotnik is an astrologer who has been practicing and teaching astrology full-time for over 40 years. Her practice of modern astrology includes a focus on both psychology and spirituality. She discusses her discovery of the helpfulness of astrological “death charts” for grief after the death of her twin sister and how she uses the charts now in her work with bereaved clients. She is the author of the book Star Sisters: An Astrologer’s Memoir of Twin Loss and is currently working on a second book about death charts. Learn more at her website:

        astrologybymoonrabbit.com

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • What astrologers do and various applications of astrology in our world
        • How Moon first got interested in working with people who are grieving
        • Why astrology is not inconsistent with science and can fit into a scientific understanding of the universe
        • The mystery of the timing of a person’s last breath
        • The profound grief of twin loss
        • What information is required before creating a death chart
        • The death chart can tell a narrative about the passage at the end of life and what transformation is possible for loved ones
        • Astrology can help put together the “puzzle pieces” of life and make sense of them
        • How Moon ensures that readings are empowering rather than fear-inducing
        • How these insights can help us live more consciously and purposefully

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu. Also thank you to everyone who has joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLU Blog

        How Being a Caregiver Helped Me With Grief

        By Karen Wyatt MD

        As a hospice doctor I have often worked with families caring for a dying loved one at home. But I have only once had the opportunity to switch places and be the caregiver myself when my mother died. That was a profound and educational experience for me as I suddenly understood personally what it was like to be with a dying loved one around-the-clock. 

        While before I had imagined what it felt like to sit up all night at the bedside holding vigil before the moment of death, I can now vividly recall the exhaustion and the uncertainty of that experience. Now I know far more than ever before what the act of being a caregiver takes and what it gives back.

        I was able to let go of little moments with her one-by-one.”

        The greatest blessing of being a caregiver for me was the opportunity to experience grief even before my mother had died. I was able to let go of little moments with her one-by-one: the last time she ate a spoonful of the custard she loved so much, the last morning she brushed her own hair, the last afternoon she shuffled through the kitchen with her walker, the last evening she sat on her recliner and listened to the news, the last night she touched my face and kissed me goodnight.

        With the arrival of each new day, something else had been lost and the little world we were sharing became a bit smaller until we were left with only the bed she rested upon and the chair where I sat next to her. But I was able to let all of it go gradually while she was letting go of life and the pain I felt was somehow bearable.

        There are other ways that the act of being a caregiver helped me:

        • Providing hands-on care and keeping my mother comfortable in her last hours gave me comfort as well. I was not just passively observing her dying process but I was helping her and it was a tremendous relief to be able to do something for her at that time.
        • I knew I was honoring her wishes by keeping her at home because she had talked with me about what she wanted at the end of life. Everything I did and every moment I spent with her felt “right” to me because I understood her preferences.
        • I was there for special moments when Mom spoke a few words or opened her eyes and smiled. Those tiny little experiences mean everything to me now as I remember our journey together to her last breaths. I am forever grateful that I didn’t miss a single moment.
        • I could give her one last gift of gratitude by enabling her to stay in her own home and have the kind of death she wanted. While there is no way to ever repay a mother for all of her years of nurturing and tender care, being there when Mom needed me was one small gesture I could make to show her my deep love.
        • We forgave one another.  Our relationship had not always been easy and there were some painful memories between us that we could never discuss. But in the middle of the night when Mom nearly fell out of bed and I was frantically trying to lift her back to safety, we connected in a moment of pure human frustration and love. Without saying a word we looked at one another and both understood somehow—life is difficult and we hurt one another along the way but nothing really shakes the deep love that resonates between our hearts. We both let go of all our resentment in that brief moment.

        These opportunities were only possible because we had enlisted the aid of a home hospice team, who made regular visits and assisted me with the care that was needed. I could not have done the work without their help and I understand more than ever the important role played by hospice staffs all over the world.

        I am a new person since caring for my Mom at the end of her life. I am a better doctor, a more compassionate wife, a more fun-loving mother, and a much wiser woman as I face my own aging. Life and death and grief … they are all what we make of them and how we take care of ourselves and others during the journey. I know this for sure now and the rest of my life will be blessed by that knowledge.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 473 Death’s Apprentice: Planning for Life, Death and After with Christa Ovenell

        Learn how a funeral director who is also an end-of-life doula merges “head and heart” in her work to help people prepare for the end of life.

        My guest Christa Ovenell is a licensed funeral director, an end-of-life doula, and the founder of Death’s Apprentice Education & Planning. She shares how she helps people think about, talk about, and prepare for the end of life and what comes after. Her work highlights the importance of planning how to live fully during our last days so that we don’t waste any of our precious time, and how to navigate all the transitions of life as we age. Learn more at her website:

        deathsapprentice.ca

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • Why Christa ended up becoming both a funeral director and end-of-life doula
        • When people don’t plan for their funerals and disposition they often end up with expensive options that weren’t really wanted
        • Tips for getting end-of-life planning done while we are still healthy
        • 4 pillars of decision-making
        • How “heart work” is the hard work we need to do
        • How a “pre-need” for funerals can be helpful to families
        • Why decluttering is part of death-preparedness
        • How to navigate life-altering transitions while aging

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu. Also thank you to everyone who has joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 472 Creating a Collaborative Movement in Your Community with Michelle Kolling and Nina Guertin

        Learn why you should start a death collaborative in your community and tips for getting started.

        My guests this week are members of the Minnesota Death Collaborative and will share how the collaborative was created, including tips for others who might like to start a similar collaborative in their community or state. Michelle Kolling is a hospice volunteer and end-of-life doula who serves as secretary of the collaborative and Nina Guertin is an end-of-life doula, death educator and a co-founder of the original collaborative. They share their personal experiences and the benefits and challenges of collaborating with others. Learn more about each guest and the MN Death Collaborative at the links below:

        Michelle Kolling: heldoula.com

        Nina Guertin: tendingthespirit.care

        MN Death Collaborative: mndeathcollaborative.org

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • How the MN Death Collaborative was initially created
        • The benefits of being a member of a collaborative
        • How a collaborative organization offers credibility to those who are creating their own businesses
        • The end of life is a multifactorial experience which demands a team approach
        • How a person-centered approach is “built in” to the mission of the collaborative
        • Types of events sponsored by the collaborative
        • How to sustain a collaborative over time
        • The importance of slowing down and taking smaller steps in the beginning
        • Tips for other groups that want to start a collaborative
        • The infrastructure needed to support such a movement

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu. Also thank you to Anonymous for buying me a cup of coffee and to everyone who has joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 471 NEW SERIES – Death & Grief in Pop Culture: “Dear Evan Hansen” with Benjamin Kintisch

        Learn how death and grief are portrayed in pop culture through this new series that analyzes theater, film and music, starting with the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen.

        Trigger Warning: This episode contains references to suicide and grief after suicide so use your own discretion if these are sensitive topics for you. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide and need help call or text the National Suicide Hotline at 988.

        My guest Benjamin Kintisch is a cantor, hospice and eldercare chaplain, music teacher, and the creator of Life Review: The Hospice Musical. Ben and I are teaming up for a new series on Death & Grief in Pop Culture to talk about all the interesting ways death shows up in culture, what we might learn about death and grief through the lens of pop culture, and how we can utilize popular references to death and grief to increase death literacy for ourselves and others. This week we are discussing the Broadway musical “Dear Evan Hansen.” Learn more about Ben’s work at his website:

        lifereviewmusical.com

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • Death and grief are all around us in popular culture
        • How pop culture can help us increase death literacy for ourselves and in conversations with others
        • Learning how to stay present with the pain and grief of others
        • The power of live theatre to touch our hearts and teach our minds
        • The preponderance of orphans as characters in popular films and stories
        • Death and grief in Life Review: The Hospice Musical
        • The authenticity of grief depicted in Dear Evan Hansen
        • Why this musical is transformative and uplifting at the end

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my latest supporters Cheri and Mark and to Dana Tuttle for buying me 3 coffees! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 468 Supporting Family Caregivers: Notes from the Field with Gabrielle Elise Jimenez

        Learn some tips and tools for offering support to family caregivers tending a loved one on hospice.

        My return guest Gabby Jimenez is a hospice nurse, end-of-life doula, death and dying educator, author and blogger. She is the author/co-author of numerous books, including Dignity Day and The Doula Tool Kit and the host of The Hospice Heart community on Facebook. In today’s conversation she shares her thoughts about how to support family caregivers through some of the overwhelming issues they face while caring for a loved one. We address our concerns for the well-being of family caregivers and offer some tips for improving their experience with hospice and easing their subsequent grief after death occurs. Learn more at her website:

        thehospiceheart.net

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • Major issues for family caregivers tending a loved one on hospice care
        • How lack of training for caregivers leads to fears of not doing the right thing and lingering guilt after death
        • What to say to reassure a family caregiver
        • The importance of slowing down and listening deeply to the concerns of the caregiver
        • Tools and tips for supporting a family caregiver

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my latest supporters Heather Capuana and Paul, and to Peg Hofmann for joining the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 464 Nutrition at the End of Life with Barbara Karnes RN

        Learn about a guidebook that teaches how to offer appropriate nutrition for a loved one approaching death.

        This week I’m welcoming my recurring guest and friend Barbara Karnes RN, hospice nurse, author, thought leader and expert on end-of-life care and the dynamics of dying. Barbara is the author of Gone From My Sight, “the little blue book” used by hospices around the world to teach families what to expect as their loved one dies. She is also the author of the new book Always Offer, Never Force that teaches caregivers about the changing needs for food and nutrition as the body approaches death. We discuss the book and our personal experiences in this informative conversation. Learn more at Barbara’s website:

        bkbooks.com

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • How food is a top concern for caregivers when a loved one is nearing death
        • The body needs food less and less as death approaches
        • How food represents love for most of us and is tied to our emotions and socialization
        • Concentrate on high protein and high calorie foods from the time of diagnosis to build up an energy reserve
        • Having a flexible plan for nutrition during the last months of life can help alleviate stress and tension
        • How the judgments of others can cause guilt for caregivers around food
        • Why tube feeding and IV nutrition are not helpful and may be harmful at the end of life

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my latest supporter Ronda Violi and to Simply Celebrate for buying me 3 coffees! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 463 “So Sorry for Your Loss:” Learning to Live with Grief with Dina Gachman

        Learn about a grief book that combines personal experience with expert advice and a touch of humor.

        My guest Dina Gachman is a Pulitzer Center grantee, an award-winning journalist, and a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Texas Monthly, Vox, and more. She wrote her second book So Sorry for Your Loss: How I Learned to Live with Grief and Other Grave Concerns after experiencing two deaths in her family and needing to process and learn more about her own grief. Learn more at her website:

        dinagachmanwrites.com

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • What inspired Dina to write this book
        • Choosing the right therapist for grief counseling
        • Her family’s experience with hospice and what she wishes she had known
        • Why they struggled with accepting palliative care earlier in the course of her mother’s illness
        • “Opening the box” as a tool for initiating end-of-life conversations
        • How patient and family stories can help us make productive changes in end-of-life care
        • Tips for bringing food to a grieving friend (and why a bucket of chicken is worth considering)
        • Ambiguous loss in the face of alcohol and substance abuse
        • Responses to the book

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my newest donor Catherine Noble Heart . Also thank you to everyone who has donated through Paypal or bought me a coffee! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 458 The Phone of the Wind: Connecting with Those We Grieve with Dina Stander

        Learn how the “phone of the wind” can help us establish continuing bonds with our loved ones who have died.

        My guest Dina Stander is an end-of-life navigator, funeral celebrant and burial shroud maker. She is also the founder of the Northeast Death Care Collaborative, an author and a propagator of phones of the wind, which she discusses today. Learn more at her website:

        dinastander.com

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • How Dina’s life experiences led her to the varied work she is doing now
        • The need for specialized death resources for disabled people
        • Why Dina’s shroud-making services use “up-cycled” fabrics for shrouds
        • The history behind the Phone of the Wind
        • How Dina shares the Phone of the Wind with others
        • How to locate a Phone of the Wind near you
        • What type of phone is best to use
        • How the phone of the wind allows for expression of all emotions, including anger
        • Why a wind phone could be part of a compassionate community
        • The many settings that could benefit from the presence of a wind phone

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu and to Annie Valdez for buying me 5 coffees! Also many thanks to Thilda Zorn for joining the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 453 Gravestone Recipes: Cooking to Honor the Dead with Rosie Grant

        Learn about Rosie Grant’s unique project to memorialize those who have died by cooking their special recipes.

        My guest Rosie Grant has a library science degree from the University of Maryland and now works at UCLA as an archivist. She is well known on social media as a “cemetery tiktoker” who researches recipes found on gravestones in cemeteries across the U.S. She shares her story and how she began to collect these gravestone recipes and cook them to honor the people who left them behind. We also discuss the value of exploring cemeteries and the treasures that can be found there. Learn more at her website and social media sites:

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • How Rosie got interested in gathering gravestone recipes
        • The benefits of visiting cemeteries as part of travel
        • Rosie’s inspiration to visit the gravestones she has learned about and to prepare the recipes she has found there
        • How food is connected to death and grief
        • How Rosie finds gravestone recipes to cook
        • Other interesting cemetery discoveries Rosie has made
        • Talking about gravestone recipes is a less threatening way to approach the subject of death and dying
        • How she finds gravestones that contain recipes

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu and to those who’ve bought me a coffee! Also many thanks to all of you who joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 452 Funeral Planning, After-Death Care, and Healthy Grief with Jokotifa Alaye

        Learn how planning ahead for after-death care can help loved ones with grief and loss.

        My guest Jokotifa Alaye is a licensed funeral professional and NEDA certified end-of-life doula with a focus on grief. She created Mourning Space to fill the gaps in education and support that society requires for healthy grieving. She discusses the importance of funeral planning as a gift for loved ones, finding a funeral director or celebrant who can help carry out your wishes, and how to foster empowered grieving. Learn more at her website:

        mourningspace.com

        YouTube Channel

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • Jokotifa’s path to becoming a funeral director and death doula
        • Why she focuses on empowered grieving through Mourning Space
        • Why deathcare providers need better training about grief
        • Why rituals at the end of life are important
        • What to do if a loved one refuses a funeral
        • How and why to plan your own funeral in advance
        • Each state and country has unique laws about funerals and disposition
        • What hospice providers should know about the removal process to support the family after death
        • How to have conversations with loved ones about funeral preferences

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu and to those who’ve bought me a coffee! Also many thanks to all of you who joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

        EOLPodcast

        Ep. 449 Open to Love: Senior Dating After Loss and Grief with Drs. Gloria Horsley and Frank Powers

        Learn about an informative and inspirational book to help seniors find love in their lives after experiencing loss through death or divorce.

        My special guests this week, Drs. Gloria Horsley and Frank Powers, are a senior couple who met later in life, after experiencing loss. Gloria is a marriage and family therapist and Frank is a psychologist so between them they possess a lot of knowledge about grief, loss and relationships, including the deadly impact of loneliness on seniors in our society. Together they’ve written the book Open to Love: The Secrets of Senior Dating, which springs from their own experience of meeting and falling in love through a senior dating app. They share their tips and suggestions for seniors looking for love and facing the challenge of dating after a long-term relationship. Learn more at their websites:

        Listen here:

        This episode includes:

        • The value of senior dating for alleviating loneliness and isolation in later life
        • What seniors need to know about the current dating world
        • Tips for trying an online dating app for the first time
        • The most important qualities to look for in a later life partner
        • Advice for later life partners whose children are not supportive of their new relationship
        • How seniors in a new relationship might discuss difficult issues such as finances, caregiving expectations and end-of-life preparations
        • What senior couples should consider before deciding whether or not to marry

        Links mentioned in this episode:

        If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, and thank you to Leslie for buying me a coffee and everyone who has joined the $10 for 10 Years Campaign! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.