EOLPodcast

Ep. 409 The Death Doula’s Guide to Living Fully and Dying Prepared with Francesca Lynn Arnoldy

Learn about a brilliant workbook that helps us expand death literacy while exploring life’s deeper meaning.

My guest Francesca Lynn Arnoldy is a doula and a researcher with the Vermont Conversation Lab. She was the original developer of the end-of-life doula training programs at the University of Vermont and is the author of three “death-lit” books. In this conversation we’ll discuss her latest workbook The Death Doula’s Guide to Living Fully and Dying Prepared. Learn more at her websites:

www.francescalynnarnoldy.com

www.contemplativedoula.com

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • Reminder about Francesca’s previous book Map of Memory Lane and how it helps children learn about grief
  • Francesca’s main inspiration for creating this workbook
  • The value of keeping a “Death Journal”
  • How to use The Death Doula’s Guide as a death journal
  • The importance of acquiring both intellectual knowledge and inner wisdom
  • A heart-centering practice for death workers is a valuable tool
  • What death wellness means and how one can achieve it
  • The difference between sympathy, empathy, and compassion
  • How to do a life review

Links mentioned in this episode:

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu and to Robin Miniter for buying me 3 coffees! Your contributions make all the difference and ensure this podcast stays ad-free.

EOLPodcast

Ep. 348 My Living Obituary: Legacy Therapy at the End of Life with Maggie Gannon and Heidi Connolly

Learn about a new platform that helps people create their own obituary or legacy project to benefit their loved ones after death.

My guests are Maggie Gannon, an Adult Gerontology Clinical Nurse Specialist who started My Living Obituary, and Heidi Connolly, an author, musician and intuitive coach who helps people write their obituaries. Maggie created My Living Obituary to help palliative care and hospice teams increase quality of life and improve patient experience. Heidi helps people using the platform craft their own stories to leave behind as a legacy for their loved ones. Learn more about their work at these websites:

Maggie: www.mylivingobituary.com

Heidi: www.theobitwriter.net and www.heidiconnolly.com

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • The evidence behind legacy therapy to enhance dignity at the end of life based on research by Dr. Harvey Chochinov
  • How telling our life story helps us find meaning in our existence
  • Legacy therapy helps improve quality of life and decrease depression for patients
  • Studies have shown that family members benefit from legacy therapy as well
  • Listening to patients’ stories has been shown to increase their sense of worth and value
  • How the legacy therapy platform can be incorporated into the intake process for patients and used to measure quality of life and bill for advance care planning
  • Tips for writing an obituary:
    • Just get started
    • You don’t have to be a good writer
    • Make lists of characteristics, preferences, stories
    • Find a good “hook” for the story
    • Include poems, music, videos
  • The benefits of having a guide and a platform to help people craft an obituary
  • Creating your own living obituary before you die helps unburden loved ones at the time of your death
  • How this platform allows unlimited space for obituaries, unlike newspaper obituaries
  • How clinical staff can use the platform to enroll new patients and assist them with the life review questions

Links mentioned in this episode:

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes. Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu! Your contributions make all the difference.

EOLU Blog

Finding Meaning in a Broken Life

Focus on the goodness of life rather than the regrets to find healing.

Jody was just 36 years old when she found out her colon cancer was incurable. I came to her apartment for our first hospice visit and saw that she was depressed and despondent over her diagnosis—as I had expected for someone her age who was raising two children by herself. She told me story after story of all the regrets she was carrying. And I just listened.

Her life had been unimaginably difficult—in foster care for most of her childhood then finally adopted at age 12 by a wonderful couple who loved her dearly. But she had been so filled with rage she couldn’t receive their love. She experimented with drugs and alcohol and was in and out of juvenile detention for petty crimes throughout her teens. There had been other even deeper regrets, but she didn’t want to talk about them. 

Jody was angry and bitter, but also ashamed. She believed she had wasted her life and now her children would grow up without a mother. She asked if there was any way to speed up her dying process because she could no longer face all of the emotional pain that was coming to the surface. 

We talked about things she could do to help with grief for her children, like writing letters to them that they could open at various milestones throughout their lives. She liked the idea that she could make sure her children didn’t feel unwanted, which she had experienced for most of her life.

I wasn’t sure how we could help Jody heal from all of these regrets. There were so many broken threads in her life and so many pieces to help her put back together. But then a little miracle happened. On my next visit with Jody she was like a different person: joyful and filled with energy and laughter. And she had more stories to tell me. 

Jody’s adoptive sister had come for a weekend visit and had brought with her boxes of old photos and a scrapbook. The two of them spent hours each day going through the photos together and gluing them into the album as a keepsake for Jody’s children. They wrote little stories on the pages to explain the pictures, which were arranged in a chronological timeline of Jody’s life.

She showed me each of the pages and told me entirely different stories than I had heard on my previous visit. Here was a family trip to the beach when she was 16. There was her favorite Halloween costume. And look: she was all dressed up for senior prom. Then there were pages and pages of pictures of her with her children: playing games, reading books, opening Christmas gifts, laughing, hugging, eating—all the little moments of life.

Jody wiped a tear away and smiled at me with a radiance I hadn’t seen before. “I’ve had a good life,” she said. “And I’ve been a good mom.” 

Here in her hands were the photos that documented all of the goodness of her life. In comparison to the magnificence of these moments, her regrets had faded away. She found meaning in the memories captured in these photos and was able to weave the broken threads of her life into a beautiful tapestry that was uniquely hers. 

Jody died just two weeks later. But she had been able to go through the album with her children and tell them all the stories that were depicted there. And she managed to write each of them letters that they could open when they were older. They would know they were loved and that their lives mattered and that an angel would be watching over them for all of their days. 

For most of us—like Jody—life hands us a mixture of sorrows and joys. We can view it all through the lens of regret and wish that things had been different. But we can also find ways to pick up the broken pieces and put them together to create a work of art–the likes of which has never before been seen–that might just change the world.

EOLU Blog

Don’t Focus on Regrets at the End of Life

Why it’s not helpful to ask dying people what they regret about their lives and what to do instead.

“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.” 

Roy T. Bennett

For some reason there’s been a buzz in the last few years about finding out what people on their deathbeds regret most about their lives. We hear this often: “they regret what they didn’t do more than things they did.” That’s fine to say and tends to be good advice for those of us who aren’t facing our last days. We can learn from their mistakes and pledge to live our own lives differently from now on.

In fact, research on regret as an emotional state has shown that it may be helpful for young people as a reminder to reconsider their current path and make better choices for the future. But when regret occurs in situations where there is no chance to change the current circumstances or make things better, it can cause chronic stress and do both physical and emotional harm. Individuals who feel they have no path forward can experience guilt, self-blame, disappointment and depression as a result of spending their time focusing on their regrets.

Regret sells

However as a society we are drawn to learning about the regrets of other people because we fear making mistakes or missing out on opportunities. We are eager to benefit from someone else’s suffering if it means we can avoid the same path for ourselves. Advertisers rely on our fears by using regret as a motivator to sell products, such as “this person didn’t buy from us and paid more money for worse service.” We don’t want to be the foolish person who regrets their choice so we pay attention to messages like that and we buy products, books and courses that teach us how to avoid these costly mistakes.

Not helpful at the end

There’s nothing really wrong with this tactic except when it applies to people who are nearing the end of life. Because they may not have time to repair the past or forge a new direction in the future, they have no opportunity to truly learn from their regrets. Placing their attention on the mistakes of their lives may lead them to despair and a feeling of worthlessness as they prepare for the end, especially if you are unable to guide them beyond their self-blame.

Do this instead

Instead of asking “what regrets do you have from the past” we would be better advised to ask “what are you grateful for in your life” or even “are there things left undone that you would still like to address.” If the person wants to talk about regrets it’s fine to go there, but it’s not helpful to introduce the topic to them if they’re not already thinking about it. Viewing life as a series of mistakes or regretful events is painful and creates a spiral of negativity. But we can help people avoid that downward spiral and lessen their distress by asking better questions.

Listen and find meaning

People at the end of life generally benefit greatly from doing a life review and being able to tell their stories in a safe setting. The art of being a good listener includes helping them find meaning, connection and resolution through their own stories without judgment or shame. To truly help a person find peace at the end of life focus on forgiveness, gratitude for what life has offered, self-compassion and letting go of self-blame. But don’t ask about regrets unless you know you can lead them out of that dark place to a higher, more healing perspective.

EOLPodcast

Ep. 296 NDE’s and After Death Communication in Hospice Work with Scott Janssen

Learn why and how to support patients who have transpersonal experiences at the end of life.

My guest Scott Janssen has been a hospice clinical social worker for almost 30 years. During that time he has been gathering the stories and reports of hundreds of hospice patients who have had transpersonal experiences as death approached. He shares some of these stories, describes the various phenomena that can occur near death, and explores the benefits they offer to experiencers and their loved ones. We discuss how healthcare providers can do a better job supporting and listening to patients with these end-of-life transpersonal experiences. Learn more about Scott’s writing at his website:

www.jscottjanssen.com

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • How Scott first became aware of transpersonal experiences at the end of life
  • Types of phenomena that occur as death approaches
  • Why we need to open our minds to these experiences
  • How these experiences differ from hallucinations caused by illness or medications
  • Positive benefits of transpersonal experiences at the end of life
    • Decreased fear of death
    • Healing of grief
    • Decreased depression and anxiety
    • Sense of peace
    • Increased focused on the present moment
    • Greater appreciation for relationships in their life
    • Greater spiritual awareness
  • How to be supportive of patients’ stories even if you don’t belief in transpersonal events
    • Learn about these phenomena and research that has been done
    • Be aware of your biases and don’t force your beliefs on patients
    • Avoid negative labels and judgements
  • How teaching stories can normalize patients’ experiences and encourage conversation
  • How patients can transform at the end of life and why transpersonal events are helpful

Links mentioned in this episode:

  • Episode 261 on NDE’s with Lilia Samoilo and Heidi Walsh
  • Scott’s article in GeriPal on NDE’s and After Death Communication
  • International Association for Near Death Studies website
  • IANDS Spring Symposium: Providing Care for Those Touched by Near-Death and Related Experiences: Ethical Best Practices – April 30th
  • Book: Standing at Lemhi Pass: Archetypal Stories for the End of Life and Other Challenging Times by Scott Janssen
  • Sign up for the 2021 online reading group A Year of Reading Dangerously at this link
  • Support your local bookstore by buying my books on Bookshop and Indiebound: 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying and The Journey from Ego to Soul
  • Subscribe to this podcast on AppleGoogleSpotifyiHeart RadioStitcher Radio
  • Check out the Series I’ve recorded in the past here
  • Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the EOLU mug“Mind if we talk about death?” (only Patrons can purchase it). PLUS get our new bonuses: the monthly EOL News Update, movie reviews from 2 Doctors and a Movie, and automatic access to A Year of Reading Dangerously!

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my newest supporters Dianne Feltham and Karine Ferro! Your contributions make all the difference!

EOLPodcast

Ep. 292 Life Review: The Hospice Musical – Life, Love and Loss with Benjamin Kintisch

Learn about a touching and humorous new musical that focuses on the stories of hospice patients and how you can join the audience.

My guest Benjamin Kintisch is a Cantor, hospice chaplain, and music teacher when he’s not performing on stage. He has loved singing and performing since childhood and has had used his skills to create a musical inspired by his experiences with hospice patients. He shares his creative process in writing Life Review: The Hospice Musical and performs two songs from the musical to give us a preview! Learn more at the website:

www.lifereviewmusical.com

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • How a hospice chaplain became inspired to write a musical
  • The power of both stories and music to open the heart
  • Why music ends up being a good format for telling the stories of hospice patients
  • An overview of Life Review: The Hospice Musical
  • How Ben recognized that the musical needed to contain lightness and humor
  • Coping with the reality that ultimately we can’t fix people
  • Ben’s experiences “workshopping” the musical
  • Feedback from cast members and audiences
  • How Life Review can be used for education and discussion purposes
  • Goals for the musical currently and post-COVID

Links mentioned in this episode:

  • SAVE THE DATE for the upcoming Virtual Cabaret Show of Life Review: The Hospice Musical with Ben Kintisch on Sunday April 25, 2021 at 4 pm Pacific/7 pm Eastern
  • Listen to the unedited interview on YouTube: https://youtu.be/lvLuVXliqlU
  • Sign up for the 2021 online reading group A Year of Reading Dangerously at this link
  • Support your local bookstore by buying my books on Bookshop and Indiebound: 7 Lessons for Living from the Dying and The Journey from Ego to Soul
  • Subscribe to this podcast on AppleGoogleSpotifyiHeart RadioStitcher Radio
  • Check out the Series I’ve recorded in the past here
  • Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the EOLU mug“Mind if we talk about death?” (only Patrons can purchase it). PLUS get our new bonuses: the monthly EOL News Update, movie reviews from 2 Doctors and a Movie, and automatic access to A Year of Reading Dangerously!

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu, especially my newest supporter Trina Wacasey and Suzanne O’Brien for upping your pledge! Your contributions make all the difference!