EOLU Blog

Don’t Focus on Regrets at the End of Life

Why it’s not helpful to ask dying people what they regret about their lives and what to do instead.

“Don’t waste your time in anger, regrets, worries, and grudges. Life is too short to be unhappy.” 

Roy T. Bennett

For some reason there’s been a buzz in the last few years about finding out what people on their deathbeds regret most about their lives. We hear this often: “they regret what they didn’t do more than things they did.” That’s fine to say and tends to be good advice for those of us who aren’t facing our last days. We can learn from their mistakes and pledge to live our own lives differently from now on.

In fact, research on regret as an emotional state has shown that it may be helpful for young people as a reminder to reconsider their current path and make better choices for the future. But when regret occurs in situations where there is no chance to change the current circumstances or make things better, it can cause chronic stress and do both physical and emotional harm. Individuals who feel they have no path forward can experience guilt, self-blame, disappointment and depression as a result of spending their time focusing on their regrets.

Regret sells

However as a society we are drawn to learning about the regrets of other people because we fear making mistakes or missing out on opportunities. We are eager to benefit from someone else’s suffering if it means we can avoid the same path for ourselves. Advertisers rely on our fears by using regret as a motivator to sell products, such as “this person didn’t buy from us and paid more money for worse service.” We don’t want to be the foolish person who regrets their choice so we pay attention to messages like that and we buy products, books and courses that teach us how to avoid these costly mistakes.

Not helpful at the end

There’s nothing really wrong with this tactic except when it applies to people who are nearing the end of life. Because they may not have time to repair the past or forge a new direction in the future, they have no opportunity to truly learn from their regrets. Placing their attention on the mistakes of their lives may lead them to despair and a feeling of worthlessness as they prepare for the end, especially if you are unable to guide them beyond their self-blame.

Do this instead

Instead of asking “what regrets do you have from the past” we would be better advised to ask “what are you grateful for in your life” or even “are there things left undone that you would still like to address.” If the person wants to talk about regrets it’s fine to go there, but it’s not helpful to introduce the topic to them if they’re not already thinking about it. Viewing life as a series of mistakes or regretful events is painful and creates a spiral of negativity. But we can help people avoid that downward spiral and lessen their distress by asking better questions.

Listen and find meaning

People at the end of life generally benefit greatly from doing a life review and being able to tell their stories in a safe setting. The art of being a good listener includes helping them find meaning, connection and resolution through their own stories without judgment or shame. To truly help a person find peace at the end of life focus on forgiveness, gratitude for what life has offered, self-compassion and letting go of self-blame. But don’t ask about regrets unless you know you can lead them out of that dark place to a higher, more healing perspective.

EOLPodcast

Ep. 253 Natural Birth, Natural Death: Healing our Broken Medical System with Nathan Riley MD

Learn how honoring the sacredness of birth and death are key to healing the problems in our medical system.

My guest Dr. Nathan Riley specializes in both obstetrics and hospice and palliative care. He’ll share insights from his work at the beginning and the end of life and how the medical system fails to honor the sacredness of these two passages. We will discuss what needs to change in the medical system in order to heal disparities in medicine and honor natural birth and death. Learn more about Nathan’s podcast:

www.obgynowino.com

Listen here:

This episode includes:

  • How Nathan was inspired by the work of Drs. Paul Farmer and Albert Schweitzer
  • Death and birth are equally mysterious and both are often taboo subjects in our society
  • Death and birth are both vulnerable times of life and are pathologized and medicalized by the healthcare system
  • Reframing death as the beginning of something new and expanded
  • The problem with doctors’ focus on “the good outcome” rather than on meeting the needs of the patient in the moment
  • What goes wrong during medical training that leads doctors away from the sacredness of medicine
  • Slowing down, listening and empathy are essential steps for healing the medical system and improving medical care
  • Why doctors fear emotional closeness with patients
  • Implicit bias and health disparities in medicine
  • Why we must look within ourselves first if we want to eradicate racism in the systems where we work

Links mentioned in this episode:

  • Books by Victoria Sweet MD: Slow Medicine and God’s Hotel
  • Join the team at Patreon.com/eolu and get access to the EOLU mug“Mind if we talk about death?” (only Patrons can purchase it). PLUS get our new bonuses: the monthly EOL News Update, movie reviews from 2 Doctors and a Movie, and automatic access to A Year of Reading Dangerously!

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on my page at Patreon.com/eolu! Your contributions make all the difference!

End of Life, EOLPodcast

Ep. 177 Midwife for the Soul: Easing Life’s Final Passage with Felicity Warner

Learn the essential aspects of “soul midwifery” from a true pioneer in the field of end-of-life care.

podcastwarner

My guest Felicity Warner has been caring for the dying and teaching others to provide care for over 20 years. She shares with us how she found soul midwifery as her calling and the changes she has observed over the past two decades of her work as she has trained hundreds of people to become soul midwives in their own communities. Learn more at her website:

http://www.soulmidwives.co.uk

soumidwiveshandbook

Get the book here.

Listen here:

 

This interview includes:

  • How Felicity first became interested in working with dying patients
  • A look back at death and dying 20 years ago and the changes that have taken place over time
  • The greatest challenges we face today in offering quality care to the dying
  • What Felicity means by the term “soul midwife”
  • How to prepare in order to be present with the dying
  • Why listening is the most important skill we can develop in our work
  • Felicity’s newest book: Sacred Oils and what we can learn from it
  • Felicity’s Soul Midwives School and the trainings offered there
  • Where to get Felicity’s books and how to work with her remotely or in person

A good death is an extraordinary, moving and sacred experience. It can also have a healing quality, not only for the person who is involved but their families, friends and the wider community. (Felicity Warner, Gentle Dying)

Links mentioned in this episode:

If you enjoy this content please share it with others and consider leaving a review on iTunes! Thanks again to all supporters on Patreon.com/eolu, especially Kathleen Rouleau who recently joined the team!